Day 6

Day 6. Vent out. Not a miracle recovery. DNR's, and more greif.

Day 6. Not a good day. Bad expectations; I thought vent out = baby back and croaking. Vent out = Not a miracle recovery. Instead dealing with DNR's, and more greif and loss. Melissa's Mom (Mary) had asked about coming the next day. I couldn't protect her, and she needed to be there. She came.

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Created: 2023-02-27

2023-02-23 (Thursday) - Not a good day. Bad expectations; I thought vent out = baby back and croaking. Instead more greif and loss.

Greif and Brotherly Wisdom.

I had the unrealistic expectation that vent out, she'd start talking. Her memory was shot, her brain could only foccus on next need. I went from a good day, to despair thinking my baby was lost. And talking to my brother, I mentioned that crying to me just feels like self-pity. They were at peace, so I was selfishly wailing about what I'd lost. He explained that kind of grief is a human's way of addressing how much they matter/mattered. Also, to be fair, much of my terror is about her and her quality of life.

I can control grief for periods of time. And had to for much of it. But it sneaks up on you, and hits you. Every time I had to retell the story, I was getting choked up and her/my loss, and what she had to go through. (And I was suffering by proxy). But I kept telling it to people she would want to know. I don't know if it was helping or hurting me. It was like PTSD, I couldn't get it out of my mind. But I was trying to come to terms, and desensitize myself. But it just felt like I was just picking a scab and it was getting more and more sensitive. It was also torture not knowing. She was alive, probably wouldn't die. Would she be aware? Or just glimses now and then? She seemed to remember long term, would she be able to remember short term and have a life? Would she be able to speak or walk? In a lot of ways accepting death would have been easier than this. While still being grateful for her not being dead. This to me was a small taste of the cruelty of what Alzheimers families have to go through. While also suffering at how good our life has been up to this point. I want it back! She wants it back! And I don't think it'll ever be the same.

Lawyers and DNR's We had done our Trust a while back, and the Hospital had asked for various paperwork. I'd called my Lawyer-Friend Cici, who cried when I told her the news about Melissa (and has kept checking in ever since). She sent me copies, because I didn't have the energy to dig them up out of Melissa's files. And told me only to give the DNR when that decision absolutely had to be made.

Melissa's Mom Mary had both wanted to come, and not. I could protect her from the Coma watch, where she could do nothing. And the hospital of barbarities where they'd already written Melissa off. But it was her Baby too. And I couldn't protect her forever, and I needed help and was fraying. So when she offered to come out, I thought about it, and relented. It was time to share the burden, and Melissa's Mom being there, might help her brain recover. And if anything did happen, Mary needed to be there too.

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