Happy Birthday - lunch, shooting, dinner. Sharing grief with an old friend.
Created: 2023-04-01
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- A different world
- For my Birthday, I just tried to keep myself busy and live like Melissa was on Flying in heaven.
- It's not really denial, but she was a flight attendant for nearly two decades. So her being gone for a week or two at a time, was part of us being together. I'm hoping that's not delaying a second wave of loss, the first is hard enough. But it's not THAT abnormal for us to be apart -- even if it's been a few years since she was COVID force-retired.
- We also had separate bedrooms; starting with heart issues when we were newlyweds she needed her own bed in recovery, and then since we have separate sleep schedules/styles, it stuck. The struggles others have without their partner sleeping next to them, isn't as bad. I get the loss every morning when I wake up, and remember she's not her, and I don't have to be quiet until Sleeping Beauty awakes. (Never wake a sleeping dragon). Or in the house at night. Where's my babbling brook talking to herself next to me through TV shows, or during the day, when she furiosly decided that a business meeting is the best time to vacuum? (She could be frenetic about cleaning when she saw something out of place). There's still a HUGE absense, it's just different.
- I went to lunch with my banking friends, had good food/convos with them. We talked about normal people stuff, and the charity Melissa and I had done a few events with, that I'm going to add to the Memorial (Addis Faith), I'm trying to get all the details for that before sending out the final RSVP/Invite for April 30th ("in lieu of flowers, here's how to donate"). Should get that done on Monday.
- I did Wed Shooting Night with friend Mike all over again for my Birthday.
- He was doing hand cannon night, where his small gun was the Desert Eagle 50AE, and a bigger revolver that made everyone on the range take notice. BOOM! I fired a few rounds competent enough, but they wear on my wrist.
- And I bought myself a new gun that I liked with all these left over Visa Gift Cards and bonus points we hadn't used. I hate having things unfinished, and all these $25 and $50 cards drove me nuts, but it was funny making 15 transactions to buy a gun. The guys were laughing/teasing -- I should have paid the rest in quarters. So I got a new S&W M&P 5.7. Basically, my Ruger 5.7 was one of my favorite guns, but even with my custom trigger work I did it was only OK in the trigger, and I stripped the optic plate so doesn't have an optic, and need to get a new plate for it (grrr). The S&W started with a co-witnessed optic cut, thinner, 22 round capacity (instead of 20), and a MUCH better trigger (internal hammer is a better design). A better and cheaper gun. I shot it OK out of the box, but I'll tweak/practice.
- Then I bashed my head on a target hanger while bending down (a piece of metal welded to the edge of the lane wall). I convinced the Range guys it was a Ricochet so they were impressed with my manly demeanor while having a lightly bleeding head wound. A little alcohol and ointment, and confessions on what really happened, and I was good as new.
- The we went to our local pub and they were doing a "Spicy Ruben" where the meat was boiled in Crawfish Boil Spices. Whew, that was salty and spicy -- I'm going to revist that thing again today. Not bad, different, should have just had the burnt cow.
- I didn't realize I hadn't told one of our friends (T), but she called and I was fine. I was telling the casual/lighter stories and the mundane stuff about the memorial/etc that don't bother me... then I realized she hadn't read the blog, and wanted deepeer. So I went back and told her those stories of what happened, what we went through, and got my cry on. Melissa just wanting her old life back or just having peace, me having to give it to her -- her no longer being here (in her happy place), and how much I miss her. Having to hurt (or share the hurt) with others makes my cup runeth over, there's too much hurt in the world for me right now. Telling another friend the night before the same stories wasn't bad; it was my friend and he never knew Melissa so he was more concerned with me, thus repeating it didn't hurt him, so I was fine. It's when people knew Melissa and how great she was, and they're grieving over my words, that it cuts me. If it's in the abstract, or just about me? It doesn't sting much.
- Many people called me for my birthday, and most kept in on the birthday. So it was fairly light and easy day. Not sure people enjoy my reply when they ask me if there's anything they can do for me, "Do you do resurections?" To me, that's a light way of acknowledging what we're thinking and letting them know I'm OK and still thinking of her. But I think to them, it's more a reminder that I'm still a little broken and grieving. Life is fine. I'm livig it, and carrying her memory forward. I don't feel bad all the time, or even most of the time. I just focus on day-to-day and I'm good. Many times a day (or more), Melissa will come in my thoughts or conversations in a good way; 32 years of being together can't avoid that, I'm not trying to, and it doesn't hurt (I know she's gone, but she's still a major part of my life), as they're good memories and she'll always be a part of me. But a few times (at least), the loss/hurt/absense is involved; my light, my friend, my conscience/balance, my lover, she's missing and I miss her so much. That part, I keep more in private, most of the time, because I want others and myself to remember all the good she did and not wallow in the loss of her absense. She was a good person. She brightened every room. Let's focus on that. NOT in denial that she's gone (I KNOW that every day), but because that's what she wants us to remember.
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Tags: Grief
