Happy Birthday. What do I want? Reincarnation? I still lived the day, and it wasn't a bad day.
Created: 2023-03-31
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59 Candles
- Yesterday I got the car safety inspected and the registration mailed off, did more paperwork/mail (almost there), dealt with notifying a few more people that hadn't known about M, or asked questions on FB or via Melissa's phone/texts... I informed one old friend that was always concerned that my Political venting on FB would hurt my advancement in Silicon Valley. Of course he's right, but I bit my tongue and had to shutup all day, every day, to get along; I needed an outlet against collectivist bullying. He reminded me of a few times that I'd stepped up to try to help him out, including one that I'd mostly forgotten, where I'd taken corporate political risks to press why was he getting black-balled? It was really nice that he remembered a small act of kindness.
- I decided to take a break from adulting and watch a movie in the theaters. I'd seen the other 3 John Wick's by myself, so why not #4? Melissa liked Fast and Furious, Mission Impossible or Bond type action, but not Wick type action. And I liked Films more (it was the only shared activity of my Mom and me?), while M was also harder to slow down (She worried about all the stuff she could do in that time). In the end, the series had started with stylistic over-the-top Gun-Fu choreography but got more and more absurd as the series wore on. This one continued the trend of "Peter Jackson's brevity with Michael Bay's camera style" into one continues shoot-out... but added sword play with moronic bullet proof suit invincibility. It would have been a complete write-off, except for a brilliant top-view action scene that brought 2.5D gaming to film; but 169 minutes long, for 5 minutes of "oh that's new/well done", is a hefty price. It could have been 45+ minute shorter and not left out any key killing/plot points. It ended the series, and left room for the spin-offs based on the characters; Black Wick, Blind Wick and Chick Wick. (Seriously). They were only missing Gay Wick and Teenage Angst Wick.
- Today I woke up to my first Birthday without Melissa. Ah yes, grief is a series of firsts. I never cared about Birthdays, partly because my family sometimes forgot mine... and when they didn't, it would have likely been better if they had. Mom always knew the perfect gift for herself, and figured if she liked it that I would too, and we were polar opposites. Like the Laguna Beach Art-Glass paperweight for my High School Graduation, just what every teenage boy wants! So before Melissa, Birthdays were a disappointment. After her, it was more about her company than gifts. But while cleaning/organizing, I found enough old Visa gift cards to her, that are are burning a hole in my pocket.
- I was reflecting on why I'm was recovering from a devistating loss so much better than many others I read/watch about. Of course, I think some more of it will hit me after the memorial, and this is really passed. But occasional crying jags, and forced adulting? Meh. Living without her smile or wrinkled brow frown line? That's hard.
- Yesterday I got the car safety inspected and the registration mailed off, did more paperwork/mail (almost there), dealt with notifying a few more people that hadn't known about M, or asked questions on FB or via Melissa's phone/texts... I informed one old friend that was always concerned that my Political venting on FB would hurt my advancement in Silicon Valley. Of course he's right, but I bit my tongue and had to shutup all day, every day, to get along; I needed an outlet against collectivist bullying. He reminded me of a few times that I'd stepped up to try to help him out, including one that I'd mostly forgotten, where I'd taken corporate political risks to press why was he getting black-balled? It was really nice that he remembered a small act of kindness.
- I decided to take a break from adulting and watch a movie in the theaters. I'd seen the other 3 John Wick's by myself, so why not #4? Melissa liked Fast and Furious, Mission Impossible or Bond type action, but not Wick type action. And I liked Films more (it was the only shared activity of my Mom and me?), while M was also harder to slow down (She worried about all the stuff she could do in that time). In the end, the series had started with stylistic over-the-top Gun-Fu choreography but got more and more absurd as the series wore on. This one continued the trend of "Peter Jackson's brevity with Michael Bay's camera style" into one continues shoot-out... but added sword play with moronic bullet proof suit invincibility. It would have been a complete write-off, except for a brilliant top-view action scene that brought 2.5D gaming to film; but 169 minutes long, for 5 minutes of "oh that's new/well done", is a hefty price. It could have been 45+ minute shorter and not left out any key killing/plot points. It ended the series, and left room for the spin-offs based on the characters; Black Wick, Blind Wick and Chick Wick. (Seriously). They were only missing Gay Wick and Teenage Angst Wick.
- Today I woke up to my first Birthday without Melissa. Ah yes, grief is a series of firsts. I never cared about Birthdays, partly because my family sometimes forgot mine... and when they didn't, it would have likely been better if they had. Mom always knew the perfect gift for herself, and figured if she liked it that I would too, and we were polar opposites. Like the Laguna Beach Art-Glass paperweight for my High School Graduation, just what every teenage boy wants! So before Melissa, Birthdays were a disappointment. After her, it was more about her company than gifts. But while cleaning/organizing, I found enough old Visa gift cards to her, that are are burning a hole in my pocket.
- I was reflecting on why I'm was recovering from a devistating loss so much better than many others I read/watch about. Of course, I think some more of it will hit me after the memorial, and this is really passed. But occasional crying jags, and forced adulting? Meh. Living without her smile or wrinkled brow frown line? That's hard.
Not to go melancholy/dark but...
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Tags: Grief
