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Feb 18th Melissa had a heart attack, and had to have CPR for over an hour. Feb 18th Melissa had a heart attack, and had to have CPR for over an hour. Then the recovery begins. I journal because it helps me cope and accept. I try to layer it so that high levels are readable, and lower levels let me capture details and organize my thoughts. ℹ️ Info           Created: 2023-02-24

Day 1

           Main article: 2023 Heart Attack/Day 1

2023-02-18 (Saturday) Heart Attack (V-tach) Melissa has a runnning group she does on Saturday's and I'm at the Gym Swimming I had just got in the pool when the music on the underwater headphones went out, and the phone was flashing. I answered a local number (odd time for a call) and was expecting spam. Instead I got the call that someone who lives with a heart patient is always dreading, "This is Theresa, I run with your wife, and she went down, they are doing CPR on her right now". I'm on my way, and jumped out, threw my clothes on, and started driving the 15 minutes to where she likely was. It's wierd, you're in a fog. You know this is real... and you've kind of had to program yourself to this possible day. Before we got married, I knew of the risks, and negotiated with myself -- you can love this person, but the odds are higher that you'll have to deal with her death, sooner than many. And you won't get the guys easy-way-out by dying first. The start of the drive, you're in full, "this could just be minor", as well as the terror, "of this could be it". At least you kissed her this morning in passing (with a side of grab-ass), and said the usual, "Have a great run/swim" and we'd see what the day brings. Your life together is crashing down with toughts like, "we had a great 30 years, with lots of challenges and adventures -- better than most every get". Along with bargaining/pleading/praying, "please don't let this ride be over -- my life would be so empty without her". Which is selfish -- this is about her. Stop crying stupid, and focus on what's important; her. Where do you go? Fortunately, where she was, was along the route to the closest hospital where I knew they would take her (more or less). So once I was in the car, heading towards her, I called Theresa back. OMW! They were still at the start of the running trail -- I knew loosely where to go. There was some back and forth, and it took a while for them to get going, but I intersected them in route, and followed them to the hospital. (Riding on their tail). The dynamics of coordination in these crises is worse than I thought. I was talking with Theresa on the 15 minute drive (intermittently) and they said the ambulance was arriving... so I went left at the intersection towards the hospital (instead of right towards where they were) figuring they were just behind me. And I wasn't sure I could find her on the trail without a lot of guidance distractions. I got about 5 mins down the road, before I got ahold of Theressa again. And found out they handn't yet left, and had been paddling her, and it wasn't working. (It never worked for me either). I should go back/there (I think Theresa was implying this might be your last chance to see her semi-alive). So I turned around. (And stayed on the phone). While almost back, they finally decided to take off (with Melissa on a CPR machine), they still hadn't gotten her into rhythm. I U-turned and waited in a parking lot until they passed (I had seen the lights in the distance) and then followed them all the way. Theresa was inside the ambulance and relaying that the crazy guy following her Melissa's husband. I'm not dead yet They brought Melissa in, and stuck me in the private greiving room. I understand this is protocol to get me out of there. How do you watch the love of your life being torn away from you? A couple other people from her running group joined. I was doing the math. This wasn't a quick zap and she's back that I'd been praying for on the drive over. This was our life as I knew it ending. The staff let me know that they'd been working an hour, and didn't have sinus rhythm and this didn't look good. They'd try for a few more minutes. About this time my friend Richard called, Vickie (his wife, Melissa's friend) had sensed something was wrong when Melissa didn't answer a text, and I told them I was at the Hospital and Melissa had gone down. They left for there immediately. More on Vickie and Richard Bargaining: Not yet. Not yet, please not yet. She's a fighter. While also rambling things about at least she was doing what she loved and fighting to the very end (through sobs). Then they came in and said she was in sinus rhythm, but unlikely to hold and I should come say goodbye while I could. I held her hand and caterwauled about loving her, fight baby, and whatever. And to the shock of everyone (pun intended) the sinus held for 1/2 an hour, and more. After an hour or two and they were transferring Melissa to ICU, I looked at the doctor that was prepping me for her going -- she shrugged her shoulders and said, "Sometimes it's me, sometimes it's God. That one was God". I was filled in on details later: Mirna was a marathon runner and Medical Assistant. She was also the one that did CPR on Melissa. While Theresa is a PA, the way Melissa manifested was she stopped, put her hands on her knees/bent over, and was non-responsive but standing (and tense). Theresa thought it was a seizure (there was a little foam at the edge of her mouth) and muscle tension (without looking grand maul). So Theresa laid her down and was checking on siezure, and had called Mirna. Mirna being a minute or two ahead, came back and is bit of an alpha-personality with New Yorker roots, checked pulse and went into full CPR. When the Doctor was writing her off and implying she was gone, Mirna stormed out of the waiting room and into the ER and gave him a piece of her mind; she had just done a lot of good work on Melissa (gotten to her quickly, and kept her alive), and was not going to let them throw it away! They better keep trying or it was on them! What happened? Basically, a V-fib event (Ventricular Tachycardia, that likely went into V-Fib). There were warning signs. Her doctor said no Woodlands Half-Marathon that was coming up, and she was scheduled for a chest MRI on Thurs. Typical Melissa since he said no Woodlands half, he hadn't specifically forbidden her the 10K Rodeo Run, or a 6 mile training run... probably because she never told him. That's how her sneaky-brain works. But if Melissa listened to doctors, she wouldn't have had any quality of life at all. And she's not too good at listening to Husbands either. She's a fighter. We don't know exactly why she went into V-Tach/V-Fib. The black box dump of her pacemaker showed it went into that. But basically, it's a 2-lead pacemaker (upper chambers) with defib ability (for the upper half) -- and V-Fib is a lower chamber event. So it recorded it, but couldn't do anything to stop it. Once in it, they couldn't pull her out. Which is surprising. The 3 things it most likely would have been is (a) plumbing (blockage that starved the heart) (b) electrical (the signal that tells your heart to beat, was jumping over scar tissue and causing it to beat out of sync) (c) chemical (potassium/electrolytes were way off). The post-event angeogram showed no blockages. At the hospital is showed her potassium was way off -- but the event can cause the potassium or vice versa. As a layperson, I was guessing that they were having a hard time getting her out of V-fib because it took a while to fix her electrolytes (before the heart would sync) -- and she isn't great with chemistry management (takes caffeine + sugar before running, etc). But the experts are still going to diagnose root cause, and not go with Hubby's best guess. The remedy matters on what it was. Most likely if they think it is electrical, they'll do an ablation to weaken the electrical signal to her lower chambers, and replace her 2-lead pacemaker with a 4-lead. (So her lower heart won't flutter, and if it does, it can defib it). Siezure? Melissa's tongue was swolen, and there was a little blood in her mouth. And it manifested with muscle tension. (And once they shocked her 6+ times, and pumped her full of drugs, she was having some involuntary arm movements). So they were trying to valudate it wasn't a siezure and got a CT scan pretty quickly. But nothing. Then they put her in ICU room 2-20. The night attending said if she spasms (twitches like she's falling backwards) that "those patients are toast". If she'd gotten the hiccups that night, I would have lost my mind. (They just didn't understand what they were saying, and how a distraught Husband would take it). Start Transfer to Houston Methodist While Kingwood E.R. had followed prootocols and saved my wife's life (a little too reluctantly), I was already getting a bad vibe, and wishing she could be in Houston Methodist (her Hospital, one of the Best in the State + Nation + World for her issues). When Mirna called and explained that we should try to get her moved, that I could just request the transfer, which I did immediately and as respectfully as I could. They understood and started the process. And Mirna kept pressuring them to raise the level (to get Melissa prioritized). More at Hospitals

Day 2

           Main article: 2023 Heart Attack/Day 2

2023-02-19 (Sunday) Bring on the cold Hypothermia At some point they thought Melissa's temp was going up a little, and it's protocol to do "normo-thermia" (or hypothermia) therapy -- which involves dropping her body temp to about 96°, Melissa hates the cold. Even in a medical coma. She would shake/shiver tremendously, so they would up the anti-siezure medicines (Luprin?) to make her do that less. Watching her all night to make sure she didn't die by sheer force of my willpower, it was horrible watching her little body shiver. (Like the night before when it was spasms). I'd be fine, then see her suffer, and get a crying jag. Blood Sugar When she came in, her blood sugar was off. But a heart attack can cause that. I also mentioned that she sometimes hits these little boost gel things before/during a run. Since her blood sugar stayed good after that, they eventually dropped that as having much/anything to do with it. Best Friends Now! There's no dignity in a hospital. Our friend+nieghbor Vickiewas with Melissa, and they decided Melissa's temp had gone up to 99°, and they decided to cool her temp (brain injuries can't handle any fevers), so they flung off the covers and started putting chilling pads (with a water pump) on her to cool her down. Vicki quipped, "well, we're best friends now". There's no dignity in hospitals. Richard In the meantime, Richard was sleeping in the ICU waiting room (where he camped for 3 days). This waiting room doesn't attract the most upscale clientele. And I guess the ghetto-people were loud-talkers and kinda partying all night. Conversations like: "The stupid doctors won't give her pain meds because she's an addict; she's addicted to Meth, not Oxy! What a bunch of dumb fucks!" Me I had "slept" in a "chair" in the ICU. About 4 x 30 minute cat naps, in a plywood chair that had some simulated foam covering it, the legs kicked out but it didn't recline, light on, beeping, and a thin blanket while they were putting Melissa in hypothermia. They covered her in chilling pads, and dropped the temp to about 56° in the room. Every time they came in (30 mins or an hour) I was awake. They weren't really expecting her to make it through the night, and I was a bit outta my mind. It took until the next night to figure out that the "chair" had a recline button, and to get a second blanket and pillow. The recline function did less than you might think, as it had a wonderful seam in the plywood, in the middle of your back, and the stuff that resembled foam didn't do much to alleviate pressure points. I actually slept 4 hours in exhaustion. Still alive They sort of had the attitude that "24 hours without another V-tac?" They seemed surprised that she'd made it that far. I said, “keeping her hypothermic to help her brain?"... the Nurse replied, “Just trying preserve whatever brain function is left”. I’m thinking, “there’s about 1,000 better ways to word that, so thanks for the nightmares”. I chatted with that Nurse later, and she seemed nice enough -- just not bright enough to understand how deep her cuts wounded. I wanted her out of here. Wrong vibe. I'd also given her lots of information from Melissa's Medic-Alert, and I later found out she'd failed to enter any of it, and lost it. Neurological Test They did a short Neurological test (make sure she wasn't brain dead) where they took Melissa off sedation a little and said, "open your eyes" and they fluttered. I said more loudly, "Open Your Eyes, Baby!" and she popped them right open. She was still in there. Then they tried to do an EEG, but she was shaking so badly (from the hypothermia), it was inconclusive. Then I pushed them to put her back under (just having her shiver and gag on the vent while awake was cruel). A small taste of hope, that did little to assuage the terror. Medical staff has this attitude that since they won't remember whatever they're doing/letting happen (and it'll help them live), whatever they do doesn't count. To me, that feels as distasteful as raping a roofied girl -- just because she won't remember it, doesn't make it OK. It's horrible to watch. Keep working the Transfer to Houston Methodist Mirna was great, she'd worked at Houston Methodist, and was pulling strings to help them get her moved on their side -- and working on the Kingwood side as well. I was calling her Doctor(s) at Houston Methodist, and trying to get them to pre-accept her once we got the paperwork done (I eventually succeeded). I'd also gone home, showered, packed a bag for staying at Houston Meth.

Day 3

           Main article: 2023 Heart Attack/Day 3

2023-02-20 (Monday) Late night transfer (finally). Schrödinger's Wife Not the Peanuts piano player, the quantum physics cat. The thought experiment is that you have a cat in a box, and it's either alive or dead, and you'll only know which when you open the box (it will snap to that state when observed). Whatever had happened, had happened. Melissa was in there, or she wasn't. I just had to wait until they took her out of the coma to see whether I had the love of my life or not. They had her in a medical coma, and me in suspended animation. Excuse me Nurse, can I have some of those drugs too? Wake me when I know whether I have my wife or not. Richard Poor Richard should have his own almanac. Every night he dealt with idiots that thought the waiting room was theirs to party in, and talk loudly. Saying such things as, "Meh, he's asleep", when really he's over there trying not to start snapping necks of the people that think a somber waiting room, is really a place for playing out family drama and figuring out who was double-cousins with whom. Me Sleep is for the weak. Meh. I'm dealing with a bout of prostatitis -- basically it feels like someone left a chip-clip on the back of my scrot. Doesn't hurt much... but it's not helping my sleep deprived mood. Sanity Check Theresa was in the grieving room when they brought Melissa in. (One of the few people in my life to see me ugly-cry). I double checked with her -- they were totally writing her off, weren't they? I wasn't reading the signals or words wrong? Nope, I wasn't wrong. She knew they were doing exactly what I thought they were. I need to get her out of here. Houston Meth Another day of prodding both sides for the move. I sort of figured out that they didn't want to transfer a veg, so they were waiting and doing more tests to validate she was worth the effort. SAT - (Aptitude/Accuity?) - They took her off sedation and validated that she could sqeeze hands, follow directions, and things like that. She did. But in there, Vickie came in and chatted with her, and said, "These two fools (Rich and I) have been driving her nuts, and she laughed. (She's in there). SBT - (Breathing) - She had the vent in, but they turned it off to see if she could breathe on her own. She did the first hour. They were going to do the EEG or MRI again, but she was shaking violently. And gagging because the vent was making her throw up into the unconnected feeding tube. After a lot of wretching and me getting more pissed, they finally put her back under. And approved the transfer.

Day 4

           Main article: 2023 Heart Attack/Day 4

2023-02-21 (Tuesday) - Much better Hospital, but much more cautious protocols. Sedated Melissa came in sedated, they let me stay in the room until 11:00, but kicked me out. I said, "I can't sleep here?" -- they said only in extreme situations. I looked at my wife, and back at her, and said, "My wife is in the CCU and had CPR for an hour, how much more extreme do we need?" She chuckled and said, basically it's for if you're making end of life decisions and she's stable. Go to a Hotel. I went next door to the Marriott (with the help of security escorting me). Rounds Since I was there for Morning Rounds, I got to meet each of the group of specialists, answer questions, and validate their assumptions. It was so nice that they took down data that wouldn't get lost. When I said something, they looked up her records and validated it. They interrogated me, and compared it to other things. And asked me about her prior procedures to double-check how technical/trustworthy I was. And they asked others that testified on what happened as well. I loved their skepticism/validation. EEG They had let Melissa off sedation by mid-day -- but not off the vent. I was asking her questions and it almost all came to "please get me off the vent". The nice tech braided her hair (after 3 days, she liked that, and it took him time to untangle it). She passed (brain function normal), when he asked her things like: Are you Melissa Every? Yes Were you born on Feb 18th? No Were you born on March 18th? Yes Are you at home? Yes <- not a good answer (confusion). But she just came off sedation. I told her she was at the Hospital. She sort of went into a daze after that -- just burned out, lightly sedated... she caught me looking at her and crying and she started to cry, so I stopped that, and instead explained what had happened to her, and that she was going to be fine. She'd done this before. And she seemed to get some of that. Replace everything They took our her Foley, about every line, and wire, and slowly replaced them with better solutions. Like they took out a femoral line and replaced it with a PIC (which can exist longer without infection). They would come and turn her every few hours to avoid bed sores (the other place didn't). They had stricter protocols, like they wouldn't MRI her until she could be responsive enough to follow directions and speak back. Maybe tomorrow. Or the next day.

Day 5

           Main article: 2023 Heart Attack/Day 5

2023-02-22 (Wednesday) - Very responsive, had CT, got a Feeding Tube, and only short term memory. When they get the vent out, she will be able to talk and they will MRI her. SBT She has been off anesthesia for a day and is wide awake, and hates that fucking vent... every time I try to interact, she's letting me know that she wants to get that out. They do the SAT test, and she keeps passing. She knows where she is (and she doesn't like the vent). But they won't remove the vent until other milestones are done. Feeding Tube They put in a nose feeding tube in case they want to take her off vent. Telling her what happened I can see her pleading eyes, but she can't communicate. But I was asking her questions and little yes/no shakes, or some blinking. I asked her if she wanted to know what happened -- and yes. So I told her she had a heart-attack while running and that said she had CPR for an hour.. and she raised her eyebrows like "holy shit. An hour is a long time for CPR". But I quickly figure out that she forgets every 10-20 minutes. But I keep repeating it, as she seems to want to know and reacts the same. I tell her things to soothe her (like Rich stayed in the waiting room for 3 days; more raised eyebrows). Some hope... but I didn't sleep much that night. I know that short term memory loss seems obvious with what she's been through... but the nightmare is that she'll never get it back, and we'll have to live groundhog day. She loves remembering birthdays and cards, and not being able to do that, would be so mean for her.

Day 6

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2023-02-23 (Thursday) - Not a good day. Bad expectations; I thought vent out = baby back and croaking. Instead more greif and loss. Greif and Brotherly Wisdom. I had the unrealistic expectation that vent out, she'd start talking. Her memory was shot, her brain could only foccus on next need. I went from a good day, to despair thinking my baby was lost. And talking to my brother, I mentioned that crying to me just feels like self-pity. They were at peace, so I was selfishly wailing about what I'd lost. He explained that kind of grief is a human's way of addressing how much they matter/mattered. Also, to be fair, much of my terror is about her and her quality of life. I can control grief for periods of time. And had to for much of it. But it sneaks up on you, and hits you. Every time I had to retell the story, I was getting choked up and her/my loss, and what she had to go through. (And I was suffering by proxy). But I kept telling it to people she would want to know. I don't know if it was helping or hurting me. It was like PTSD, I couldn't get it out of my mind. But I was trying to come to terms, and desensitize myself. But it just felt like I was just picking a scab and it was getting more and more sensitive. It was also torture not knowing. She was alive, probably wouldn't die. Would she be aware? Or just glimses now and then? She seemed to remember long term, would she be able to remember short term and have a life? Would she be able to speak or walk? In a lot of ways accepting death would have been easier than this. While still being grateful for her not being dead. This to me was a small taste of the cruelty of what Alzheimers families have to go through. While also suffering at how good our life has been up to this point. I want it back! She wants it back! And I don't think it'll ever be the same. Lawyers and DNR's We had done our Trust a while back, and the Hospital had asked for various paperwork. I'd called my Lawyer-Friend Cici, who cried when I told her the news about Melissa (and has kept checking in ever since). She sent me copies, because I didn't have the energy to dig them up out of Melissa's files. And told me only to give the DNR when that decision absolutely had to be made. Melissa's Mom Mary had both wanted to come, and not. I could protect her from the Coma watch, where she could do nothing. And the hospital of barbarities where they'd already written Melissa off. But it was her Baby too. And I couldn't protect her forever, and I needed help and was fraying. So when she offered to come out, I thought about it, and relented. It was time to share the burden, and Melissa's Mom being there, might help her brain recover. And if anything did happen, Mary needed to be there too.

Day 7

           Main article: 2023 Heart Attack/Day 7

2023-02-24 (Friday) Bad Day (Lasix and Ringing meant few glimpses of Melissa, just a person in pain), and I killed her plant at home. Melissa had been given Lasix to help with fluid Lasix is a drug (this one IV based) that helps pull out fluid from the body, and it worked -- Melissa gave up 3 liters. However a side-effect is that it can cause ringing in the ears. Because of that the day was kinda consumed with, "Make it stop". She was not a happy girl -- and that made her far from coherent. Sad Plant You are supposed to water plants? I've been a bit distracted... and remembered that her favorite plant was looking really bad. So I gave it a 60 Oz of water. Not only didn't it perk up, that container only holds about 4 Oz before it leaks out the bottom onto the floor. I hope the towels were thrirsty. I decided I'm going to have to go for the Goldfish solution -- and I'll go see if I can find a bigger/healthier version of the plant to replace it with, in hopes that she doesn't notice and thinks that I'm a good plant caretaker, instead of just sneaky husband.

Day 24

           Main article: 2023 Heart Attack/Day 24

2023-03-13 (Monday) - Melissa 6.1; now with de-fib mode Hospital called, they want to move the de-fib install to today I was OK with that, we drove in... and waited, and waited. As usual, they wouldn't let her drink anything ("for her safety"). Since they forgot to got me to sign some things, they asked me to come back there. And Melissa and I chatted for a couple hours while waiting for them to bring her to the slice-and-dice room. (Cute tinfoil had they put on them). She said Melissa 2.0... I explained that was her first bypass, the second was 3.0... the titanium leg replacement was 4.0. I'm counting 5 conversions (heart restarts), 2 ablations, and a Watchman device as 5.0. And her first pacemaker was 6.0. This is just a modest 6.1 upgrade that comes with a new Pacemaker with De-Fibrillator. She was a little surprised at my versioning, and how many things we've gone through together. (Her the filet, me the supporting cast). And I wasn't even counting the stroke, or the dozen or so angiograms. But I pointed out it was 30 years since we got married and she got her last bypass, which was the last MAJOR-major issue, the others before this, were just tune-ups. So if we get another 30 years, that's not too bad. She tolerated the procedure well, has the new integrated de-fib functionality. She bled a little (she's on enough blood thinners to be a vampire delicacy). They put the new pacemaker in the same place as the old one (under the pectoral muscle), and it's a little thicker -- and she's getting a pressure bandage to control the bleeding (she hates those). So she's gonna be sore. If no problems overnight, she gets to be released tomorrow to Rehab.

Day 25

           Main article: 2023 Heart Attack/Day 25

2023-03-14 (Tuesday) - Mom doing servant duties. On pain meds. Called Julie. Summary After the procedure last night we visited briefly, and I went back to the room. Melissa asked her Mom to stay with her. So her mom slept on a bed/couch in the room, and got to do Nurse duties. Both were happy with that. Because of the procedure (Pacemaker), Melissa is on pain meds and an ice-pack today, thus she goes from talking to snoring pretty quickly. They also moved out rehab to Thursday. We had some good visiting today, usual foot massage, some snoring. There was a brief Mandy call. Then she talked to her cousin Julie a little (Head of Nursing in Phoenix, though the chatter was more familial than Nursing related), with some future catching up scheduled. And older friend (Angela) was scheduled to drive in from Austin tomorrow -- but Melissa's so foggy she asked to kick it out. Did want to waste her time on that drive, unless they were going to get some good 1 on 1 time (they've got some catchin' up to do). They rolled Melissa off in early evening and did a CT scan to make sure that the Pacemaker is placed correctly, and no blood clots are forming. But I couldn't find the test results, and they didn't inform them of the results. (Maybe tomorrow). They're also informing Melissa on her issues and signing off that they did it -- but that included a signoff that she has an altered consciousness. I kinda feel they should be letting her Husband know on all this.

Day 26

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2023-03-15 (Wednesday) - PT, Jennifer and Rebecca visited, CT in prep for release (to Rehab) Summary Good PT - sat upright for 45 minutes. (She skipped yesterday; resting after Pacemaker). Jen and Rebecca S (Heart-Rebecca) visited. Jen was impressed with how much better she was talking -- and her stamina at talking. Another CT (and EEG)- prepping for release (I assume). Evening call from M, and I was with Vick and Rich, so Melissa got a good chat/catchup with them. Melissa sat upright (on her own) for 30 minutes This is with her favorite PT (OT) Person; Judy. Jen and Rebecca S selfie Top lines -- (1) I smell smoke. (2) Some suction cups and wires is all it takes to make her stay silent/still for 30 minutes? (3) Are they trying to jump start it?

Day 27

           Main article: 2023 Heart Attack/Day 27

2023-03-16 (Thursday) - Glaucoma, Rehab, Foley, Visit, Brother. Summary Melissa called this morning (via Mary) and asked about her Glaucoma medicines. M has a mild form of Glaucoma, and I'd let the hospital know. And they had a Opthamologist check her out. But she hadn't been taking her drops, and was concerned about that. Maybe that's impacting her vision? I doubt it, but I had forgotten about that, and am impressed that she is out-thinking us all. So I brought it up to the docs. They don't care (or think it's the cause), so M can start using her perscription. And her Opthamologist will see her (pun intended), after she's out of Rehab. There's a little bit of progress or things that keep me from getting too concerned. At one point she could see the TV about 15' away. I tried again, and could track my face from 3' back to about 15' and recognize that the TV was on, and knew it was a talk-show type thing. So she can't find things at distance yet, but she can see things out there (even if everything is blurry). It also gets better and worse through the day (which hints that it can heal?). She also has better visibility in right eye than her left. So I have some hope/faith that it will get better, or we might be able to get glasses to help. Jess from Kingwood Fit (Melissa's running group) visited, and they had a great talk today They sat her up in a fitness chair for 45 minutes and forgot about her for 2 hours. By the end she was sore, but not her core, her butt (that lost all it's tone and padding). She wanted to see if she could write her name any better, and she did. She can't see enough detail to know where she's printing, but her fine motor skills were a lot better. She moved to West Pavillion (Rehab: 10-26) -- so that's progress. Not as nice/new a room, but great people so far. And that's what's important. A friend (Pam) sent vegan mini-cupcakes "by Melissa" for Melissa, for her birthday. The hospital was annoyingly reluctant to get her off the Foley Cath. They tried a couple times, but she wasn't fully pee'ing (emptying) so they put it back in, and gave her some pills. Finally with her going to Rehab, they took it out again, and told her just to pee. The first time, she didn't empty fully, they said they'd be back in a few hours. Then they asked her to, and she pee'ed enough to soak the pad/daiper, her clothes, the bedding. She really got into water sports, and convince to them that she was good to go. (Pun intended). I don't know why the little vacuum/sponge thing they have for girls didn't work. My Brother (Devon) flew into town for a visit for M's birthday on Saturday. Getting better at writing her name (even if she can't see the paper) She was happy in the chair At least at first. By hour 2, she was getting a bit tired.

Day 28

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2023-03-17 (Friday) - Rehab Day-1; fear, hard work, shower, and only a little vomit Summary Mary called this morning and Melissa was having a VERY bad day. For purposes of Rehab, they listed her as legally blind -- and Melissa kinda of lost it. TBI (traumatic brain injury) still takes down one's defenses and leaves you a little more hyper-focused on a single thing. Not a happy wife. I was able to talk her down, as she knows I'll tell her the truth. And I explained we don't know... but reminded her how much her vision had already progressed; a week ago she was having halucinations, and she has had brief times when she can see better/further than others. She was able to recognize me, what I was wearing, her Mom, the same with my brother from further away. So there's still some hope. She sat up for long periods in a wheelchair, stood up for a bit, took a couple steps, only threw up a few times (don't know what that's about), then got to take a shower, more Physical Therapy. She works HARD, and through the pain (like a torn up shoulder/pectoral, thanks to her pacemaker). She had occupational therapy, and cognitive tests that are showing her memory and cognitive awareness is really good. Getting Blood Pressure Taken (in regular clothes) Melissa in her standing chair It goes fast, it comes back hard. But she's a worker. Melissa and Devon (Bro)

Day 29

           Main article: 2023 Heart Attack/Day 29

2023-03-18 (Saturday) - Rehab Day-2; Happy Birthday! PT/OT, Lots of visitors, and some sight improement. Summary Melissa's birthday! She did an excellent physical therapy day, ocuputation therapy (brushing hair, teeth, getting in/out of bed/wheelchair). Ate with a fork but has problems seeing to stab, but can feed herself. Got to use the big girl potty. She worked it, well. Visitors included: Richard and Vickie, Diane, Theressa and her daughters -- and of course her Mom (Mary), Devon and me. We called or were called by Cousin Alexis, Brother Devon's Family, Lisa, Debi, Bill (Dad), Aunt Betsy. Her brother Mark and Robin sent a video message, her other brother left a text messages, as did many other friends, and I read her many cards and texts. She got a Birthday Cake, Flowers, she's been out of the "gown" since rehab, and wearing home clothes (sweats). Vision improvements: she was able to see the TV a little bit (though I think it gave her a little nausea after a while). But she was starting to be able to see people across the room. She has good peripheral vision for motion. The biggest quirk is things look far away and small. But I keep pointing out to her that it comes and goes, and seems to be getting a little better. Melissa and the Hospital Cake. (Very nice of them) My brother and Melissa Theresa and Fam. Vickie visiting

Day 30

           Main article: 2023 Heart Attack/Day 30

2023-03-19 (Sunday) - Post Birthday Standing, Mandy visit, clothes and iPad upgrade pending. Summary Post birthday! My brother went home to his family, but it was a good visit for everyone. She was standing in rehab, they keep working her on transfers (how to move from bed to chair and back), and making her sit upright more. They got her out of diapers and using the bedpan (or toilet), depending on her energy. She mocks that as "rediculous" that an adult considers using the toilet as accomplishment -- but it is. Her vision seems to be getting better. She wanted her flowers where she can "see" them, and a picture Theresa left (with them running) she was pointing out some of the other people in the photos. Which is new, that's only an 10x14 or so, with like 5 sub-pictures in it. The vision comes and goes, so isn't 100% of the time (and it seems she's using her peripheral vision more than her primary); but the ratio of how often she can see, how far, and how much detail, all seems to be improving. This is a good sign. When it plataues, we might want to deal with a neuro-opthamologist -- but for now, it's just waiting to see how much comes back on its own (pun intended). I brought her more street clothes (e.g. sweatpants instead of normal tights/workout pants) and T-shirts. She cared a lot that they matched so I opted for two colors that even I couldn't screw up -- shades of Pink and shades of Grey (far less than 50). I suggested that I turn on accessibility on her iPad, so she can work it with touch/speech gestures and do things like listen to books on tape, and so on. She was happy with that when I bring it to her next. Mandy came, and Mary and I bowed out. Both for the break, and also so they can get into turbo-gab mode, without outside interference. On the Accessibility Stuff: I wasn't sure if I was going to get a negative reaction as that brings up vision impairment, but she was very excited about the quality of life improvements. I'd actually mentioned it in passing once before (that I could make it more accessible), but I think it got lost in the noise, or just people don't know that accessibility often means "disability friendly", as in vision impaired. She didn't know an iPad or iPhone had these modes, and was surprised when I was telling her how important iPhones/iPads had become to low vision people. (Sort of weird that a slicks screen with no tactile feedback, and an almost completely vision based interface, would be so important to the vision impaired. But i knew that). And I didn't know she didn't know about that, so was kind of waiting for her to ask. Since one of my tasks at Adobe has been as a program manager for Accessibility (and have championed many improvements over the years), I know a bit about it, but I am curious what she thought I did when I talked about that aspect of my job, or if she was just turned on spousal-mute-mode whenever I talked about it. (The Peanuts teacher, "Wa wa waaah wah"). Ironically, while I managed bugs and features for it (and worked with the site limited folks a lot), since I'm not vision impaired, I generally looked at it (pun intended) from a bug-fix point of view, and not often as a user. They are getting her in standing position. Just the other day she couldn't do full vertical. Mandy visited before heading off to become Moka (their family term for Grandma)

Day 31

           Main article: 2023 Heart Attack/Day 31

2023-03-20 (Monday) - Tougher day; sight regression, exhaustion, pain. Summary I got there and Melissa was distraught that she couldn't see, "everything is black" (except for one bright spotlight) and she wanted us to darken the room (so we did). Then complained she couldn't even see shadows and colors. Then a bit later, I put my face right up to hers, and she said, "Oh, hello". And later commented on the nurses teal colored top. So it seems to come and go, and when it goes, she loses it. I don't know if it's blood sugar, fatigue, or just neural overload -- but it seems to come back. (And we've had this scare before a couple other times). Melissa had done great with speech therapy (they'd already seen progress). And Melissa had done PT earlier in the day, but had been exhausted. But she was also having a high pain day -- all over. Floating between can't get comfortable and just wailing about the pain. Mary took a break, and I just kept trying different things. Melissa was like a toddler that was so tired they couldn't rest. I was having a tough time as my normal technique of find the pain and rub it out, wasn't working. (Touching her was hurting). Then they came back for the 1:30 pm PT, and started talking her through different positions. And getting her on the other side (she'd wanted to lay on her right), but getting her to lay on her left, pull her right leg over, and stretch out the hip/butt, that helped, and she got better. Went down, and did a little PT, before they took her off for a cat scan and ophthalmology. Because Melissa had complained about sudden loss of vision, they took her off for a cat scan to make sure there was no additional stroke or brain bleed. I wasn't really worried, this felt more like chemical/tired than any stroke symptoms. But they have liability based protocols (defensive medicine) so they made sure, and she was fine. (According to the test). No tPA (brain-draino) required, which is good. And Ophthalmology called about her vision. They didn't seem to understand how much it was coming and going. (They always thought she was at her worst). So they were actually encouraged by how good it was when it was working. They also recommended me to UH or UT's outpatient stuff when she got out of there; basically rehab for vision -- once they got her to where she could walk and be physically independent. Melissa isn't normally a huge fan of Panda Express, so I brought her some. She loved it. I figured that with bland hospital food, some fried rice and noodles would go over well. (Along with many packets of flavor like soy/plumb sauce/etc. -- anything that could hack the hospital food into "edible"). Hubby scored! Defensive medicine isn't all good. In fact, an abundance of caution slowed the process way down -- like getting the vent out, likely resulted in much more infirm immobility and longer vocal and overall recovery. At least one cardiologist thought that the angiogram to check on the heart, might have been what scraped off plaque and caused the stroke. And a lot of the protocols that kept her down and immobile and off foods until thoroughly signed off on, likely meant longer recovery/rehab and is costing her today. They will sacrifice the recovery speed of 99 patients, if it prevents 1 accidental death lawsuit -- and I'm not sure most patients sign up for that. But I'm also not ready to challenge the protocols that had a positive outcome. So this CT scan was likely unneeded, and increased her exposure to radiation (or other complications) by some small amount. But they have a better safe than sorry attitude. I'm not sure that all of these are playing to Melissa's advantage -- and she's an outlier. Younger, healthier, and might have bounced back quicker, if she had been on a faster track. But it's hard to say, and they have developed these protocols based on a lot more evidence than I have. So kinda have to defer a bit. They play the odds -- but that also plays to the middle of bell curves. And Melissa is an outlier. But I don't have the balls to take risks with her, even if it meant an easier recovery later. Reading is always got too many black holes. When I was dealing with Stroke Pain, as Melissa is crying -- it took me into dark places. People that never recover from it and have it for their entire lives, and stuff like that. The same wiht a lot of the vision stuff; you can't read something that implies some percent never recover and not start going down rabbit holes. Then there was all the other stuff I caught by listening in, that I had to force myself to ignore. (The Watchman device she was on, was only 90% effective -- but she likely threw a clot anyways, and there was still more there. Or that she had DVTs in both arms. Or various blood chemistry flags that could imply bad things). So I veer away from in-depth reading and try to have faith. And I can't start diving too deep into the studies and questioning doctors on overly defensive medicine, because it requires me knowing way more than I can handle knowing at the moment.

Day 32

           Main article: 2023 Heart Attack/Day 32

2023-03-21 (Tuesday) - Better day. Lethargy, Starvation Diet, but still putting in the work. Summary Melissa is a bit lethargic, but putting in the work. (3+ hours a day). I blame the food/calories for some of it (but sure the pain meds, muscle relaxers, and other drug cocktails aren't helping). 4 days of Vegetarian Lasagna (the only thing on the menu that's vegetarian?) means she doesn't eat much... then she doesn't have energy. She's hard enough to get to eat when she's not getting hospital food. I told them "She eats some non-veg items like Chicken Soup, or French Onion soup"... so yesterday they brought her meatloaf (the food, not the singer). WTF! I did some shopping for M, I just got her spices and sauces to help flavor her food. While she won't give me many orders, she did request a bowl from Chipotle. I'll try to get some calories in the girl, she's looking a little prison-camp survivor. Today I got her Falafel from our favorite Greek place (to bring in tomorrow). When they asked where my wife was, and I told them -- they said the care package was on them. In the meantime my neighbors are meal-training me incredible BBQ, and Fajitas, and so on. I'm stuffed. If you aren't in a Hospital in Texas, they'll feed the crap outta you (or into you). In the meantime, they've been giving Melissa colon-blow because she hasn't pooped in a week. They did a scan and she doesn't have enough in her to worry (not realy that corked up), but when that stuff finally takes effect, I'm thinking a scene out of Dumb and Dumber or Hall Pass is coming. A week ago, she was just getting her Pacemaker replaced and could barely sit up. Now her talking/memory is improved, she's brushing her own hair/teeth, using the big girl potty, in Sweats/PJs/Home Clothes, feeding herself, at least finger foods (forks are harder when you can't see, but she can hit the target once loaded). I called UH has a Low Vision center to help people with reduced vision (often due to stroke/accident/etc). They used to work with the Rehab's in area, but stopped under COVID and I guess it's impossible to get two bureaucrats to agree on anything that increases their liability... so it'll now have to happen AFTER Rehab. They have lots of tools and techniques (light magnifying devices, prisms, etc), but we'll have to get a referral from her Ophthalmologist. And they won't give that, until she can go into their office on her own. (The equipment is too big to bring to the patient). Trapped in the ministry of silly walks. But we'll get there, and I think we need to see how far her vision gets first. In the meantime, I describe pictures to her -- like of her Nieces wedding reception.

Day 33

           Main article: 2023 Heart Attack/Day 33

2023-03-22 (Wednesday) - Setback. Back to CCU. Drove in a Husband, drove home a widower with a broken heart. 🗒️ Note: It is with sincerest apologies that I might break it this way to people who don't know. Mary and I tried to call many people and relay the message more personally. But writing is my catharsis and outlet. And a lot of people I might not get to, will read this. Summary They called me at 4:00am. Melissa was having trouble breathing, was lethargic, and an X-ray showed that she might have a blockage (megacolon), and her white blood cell count was spiking. They were sending her from Rehab back to CCU (Walter 10-22). I drove down and now we wait. Poor girl is back on the vent (what she hates), and a bit of a restart. The worst day of my life At 11:52pm the love of my life died. What happened is that her entire colon was blocked up, and it was causing septic shock. They stabilized her but it was too late for anything but removing her colon. I don't care about my wife having a bag, but it's not about me, it's about her (and her wishes). She was "done" weeks ago. She wanted her life back -- and this latest setback robbed her of the last hope. We had done a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) for a reason, and this was it. She fought as long as she could. The choice was make her suffer, and (a) the best case would end up torturing her with a life she couldn't stand (blind, neuropathic pain, her hobbies of running, cooking, dominoes, organizing, or most of the things she loved were gone)... or (b) there was the far more likely path was torturing her poor little body with more trauma before she would still eventually pass due to complications from not being ambilatory. (You can't heal if you can't move, and she wasn't yet mobile, and gutting her was going make it worse). With the help of family, I chose to follow her wishes, let her suffering end, and let my partner of 32 years go back to God. Details If they removed her colon, it's 2-3 weeks recovery for a healthy person. Even then you have rough prognosis, and lots of complications if you can't move around. She wasn't yet close to walking on her own. She had many more weeks of recovery from the stroke/heart attack, and this easily doubled that (if miracles happened). And she was out of miracles. To give you the full sense of scale: she had DVTs (Clots) in both arms, and one lingering on her heart. If the arm ones threw, it was a pulmonary embolism. If the heart one dislodged, it was a massive stroke. she was legally blind, but there was a chance that some vision could come back, and we could use some assistive devices and training to help. But she was distraught about that. I was hoping we could get her past that and a quality of life that satisfied her. But it's not up to me, it's up to her. (She would lose it about not being able to see). she had horrible neuropathic pain ("make it stop"), which we weren't sure if it was permanent. Exercise and stretching contracting muscles/tendons can help, but she didn't yet have the strength to do what it took to end it. If ever. And I was terrified as this doesn't go away for some stroke/anoxia victims. A life of her on drugs for pain, was terrifying me for her. Now you throw on top her having her colon removed (she was already severely malnourished, and needed that for healing) -- and the recovery/complications. I couldn't keep torturing her just to keep her around. I had great conversations with her Cousin (Julie) who was a Nurse, and we talked through outcomes with the doctors. They got and respected our decision. Evem if I could deal with all of those things, it was never up to me, it was up to her. She was on a vent -- but we'd had these conversations before, and put it in writing. My Step-Dad died of sepsis, and it was my Brother and I that had to make the decision for end of life. Now my wife. It seems my purpose in life is to kill the people I love. Though, I take strength in the fact that I was following their wishes, and putting their needs above my own. (There's a black hole in my life). The little fighter, fought to the end. We gave her pain meds and let her rest. Still, for 7 hours she survived with her pacemaker turned off, in sepsis, running 40/22 blood pressure, a 46 heart rate, and still getting her Oxygen Saturation into the 90s. She fought her whole life, and beat all the odds, except this one. (We all lose this one in the end). She wasn't supposed to live to see 5 weeks when she was born (most kids with her birth defect died in infancy), and she made it 55 years. They told her to take it easy on her heart, so she became a flight attendant and ran half a dozen half marathons. Telling Melissa "no" was always a dare. What if? I'd talked to Mary and pondered, what if Melissa had just died on February 18th, when she went down. Melissa wouldn't have had to deal with all those challenges. But then she wouldn't have gotten to say "hi" and "goodbye" too all her friends that visited. Melissa wouldn't have gotten to prove what a tough little fighter and odds defier she was. Mary wouldn't have gotten to be a Mom to her baby girl for the last month of her life. And I would have had 33 fewer days with her. They weren't all good days, but I cherish every one (and the 11,680 others that we were together). Story of us There's a little thing I'd been working (slowly). Some sampling of photos of things we'd done over the years. It's nowhere near complete... but hints at the beautiful zest for life and being that was my wife. One of the greatest gifts we got was EARLY in our marriage (still newlyweds), we had to go through open heart surgery. (Replacing her double-bypass). It gave us perspective on what was really important. I might be a dick, but I was there for her whenever she needed me. She might annoy me, but I was always lucky to have time with her.

Grief

           Main article: Grief

Our Society is bad at dealing with grief, because we see so much less of it than the normal human condition. It's easier to hide from or avoid. Making us soft, and uncomfortable. And those trying to "make it go away" or rushing to put it in the past, makes them say the wrong things. Pre-Grieving or Anticpatory Grief This is grieving lives that are lost, or how lives are going to be changed, before they are changed. My wife had a heart attack on Feb 18th and died on March 22nd 2023. Grieving began in February for me. Does that help or make it worse? Yes. I had prepared for life changes, a little -- but they were same/different/same/different ones. But a lot of my life was on pause while she was healing, waiting to see what were going to get. Just as I was ready to go forward holding her hand, she was taken from me. I was prepared until I wasn't. And I was already raw and worn as much as toughened up. Selfish or Celebration? I've generally looked at grief as selfishness - The people we are grieving have passed; they are at peace (finally). So crying about the dead and just us whining about that WE don't have them any more (WE miss them, WE want them). WE is all about ME. Why can't I have, hold, share with my wife? So I've used that to beat those feeling down with "stop being a selfish prick! Suck it up, and get over it". But the beast of losing a spouse is a lot bigger than my other losses (parents, friends, pets, or just a character you liked in the movies). This person isn't just the cat you stroked while watching TV.... but the person you spent more time and intimacy with than all the others in the world. My brother gave me his view. That grief isn't just selfishness, it's the body and souls need to express how much someone meant to you. That means that the better the person, the worse the grief? Well I'm fucked. Everyone that knows Melissa was touched by her and knew what a kind and special person she was. If my brother is right, it at least takes away the narcisstic guilt at being weepy -- but now I get the burden of expressing how bad it is at having lost such a wonderful person. And I don't know if that's any better. You will find love again One of the themes I've found in grief stuff, is lots of efforts trying to reassure folks that they will find love again. (It will get better). At least I don't have the fear and insecurity of doubting that. There are lots of lovable people. My first wife and I had discussed this a fair amount over the years, and we both wanted each other happy if we passed (as long as it wasn't at the hand of the other). She kept telling me how trading her in for a younger model would mean they wouldn't get any of my jokes and references. Duh! Of course I never wanted a younger model, just her. But I know that someday, I will likely find someone else. Today is not that day... or year. But life will go on. I will know the sweet tender caress of hearing, "I don't know, where do you want to eat?", "What's that smell?" or "Why did you park here?" Grievances has grieve inside it. Life is about balances -- and while I love my wife, I need to keep remembering the things that irked, annoyed me, or were less than perfect. No Pedastals allowed. When my Step-Dad and Grandpa died, my Mom was doing this overblown catterwauling, "they were perfect humans", because she thought that's what you should do, but maybe also to make her grief more important than everyone elses. It irked me, and I thought, "I'm not going to do that". In balance, I want my love back so badly it aches. But I need the humility of her imperfections to help myself cope with the loss and not dimish others losses as well. My pain is nothing special -- just the worst of my privileged life. HALT protocol Everyone has to process it their own way, but one "protocol" for avoiding regrets is HALT. Hungry or not - Keep eating, people in mourning lose weight fast Angry - Don’t be Angry with God or anyone else. Pause, take a breath and calm yourself before you regret something Lonely - Get out of the house as often as you can. Go be with people. Tired - Try and rest as much as you can but do not stay in bed all day Journal Week 1            Main article: Grief/Week 1 2023-03-22 to 03-29 - Passed Grief/Day 0 - Melissa wanted to go, but It was over. I knew that. She'd begged me to let her go while there was still much more hope -- but the odds for a better quality of life had evaporated, so I had to fight it for her, even knowing the loss I was causing. So we drugged her up, took her off everything, and let her fight to the end. Bye bye babe, the world and I lost someone special. Grief/Day 1 - When people ask "How are you doing?", I hear, "Other than that Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?" This is the beginning of the firsts... a list of things I have to do without her, or can't share with her later. The joys of finding a funeral home (cremation), sending pictures of her to remind me what I lost, and trying to keep it together. Grief/Day 2 - Drug induced sleep (NyQuil bought me 8 hours of sleep, more than the prior two days combined), I got Mary (Mom-in-law) to the airport. Then I had to fill papers for cremation; and my dark humor started kicking in. Then I got an incredibly touching but horribly timed package from her brother+wife about all the sweet things Melissa could do, when she never got out. Grief/Day 3 - Life goes on for the living; and there's work to do. I got our property insurances worked out. I started talking to myself, working on post-cremation/memorial plans. And skipped all the other stages of grief to get to acceptance. (Or piled them all on at once)... Grief/Day 4 - Diving in to study grief. Not to be consumed by it, but to understand it. Grief is like antidepressants on me; it makes me more emotional. Basically, my emotional cup is filled, and adding anything else, causes it to spill over. But still making small steps forward -- as long as forward isn't away from Melissa/past, but bring us both forward. Grief/Day 5 - Picked out an URN. Went to Dr. Longfinger about my prostate. And just kept working on administrative stuff around the home and banking, and so on. Grief/Day 6 - Every day is a new day without my wife. It's not the many things that she did for me that matters, it's not being there that matters. Not wallowing in grief, but still studying it. Many seem to suffer more than me -- not emotionally (I have enough of that), but they have all these fears/denials/insecurities that don't seem to impact me... as much.

Week 2

           Main article: Grief/Week 2

2023-03-30 to 04-05 - Passed is past Grief/Day 7 - Balancing the wallow (in grief) and moving on. Or at least keeping busy with plans and doing all the stuff she did. Oh, and I got the joy of visiting Doctor Longfinger (Urologist). My prostate issues aren't much to worry about for now; it sucks getting old, but beats the alternative. Grief/Day 8 - Grief; the gift that keeps giving. But I have had, and still have, a privileged life. I went out with a friend, joined an online support group, can talk with others about Melissa without losing it, but still have a lot more things to do as a bachelor-widow than I did as a lazy husband. But getting it done. Grief/Day 9 - Happy Birthday. What do I want? Reincarnation? I still lived the day, and it wasn't a bad day. I feel like if I stop enjoying, I'm not living up to Melissa's goals for me (or honoring her memory of living every day well for herself). So I miss her so much, but grateful that we had 32 great years together -- and I can't waste life's gift pouting and in self pity. Grief/Day 10 - Happy Birthday to me (59). I went to lunch with bank buddies, went shooting and to dinner (bought myself a new toy). And earlier in the day shared grief (the stories of Melissa's passing) with an old friend of both of ours. Being that M was a flight attendant for two decades, I'm fine with the day-to-day (she took her trip to heaven). But hurting friends still stings. Grief/Day 11 - Swimming, Adulting and Crawfish. I always got more done when my wife wasn't around -- there's no one else to do it, and I get started earlier. Not as fun without the company or soft criticism about how to do it better (e.g. her way)... but I can still here her voice as I get things done. One small step at a time. Grief/Day 12 - Cleaning and moving rooms is a process (baby steps). Rehoming her things is something she would love. Disposing of some, just hurts. I took a break and tried a little microbrewery (and delicious Dog Stand), and had dinner with friends/neighbors. Life has to go on... but missing her never ends. Grief/Day 13 - Watched a movie, and picked up Melissa from the Funeral Home / Crematorium, not necessarily in that order.

Week 3

           Main article: Grief/Week 3

2023-04-06 to 04-12 - New Normal Grief/Day 14 - Swam. Did some work. Got Melissa's Memorial Invite done. That was harder than it looks. Talked to a lot of friends about different things -- including participating in grief groups. Grief/Day 15 - The Black Box for my heart - who knew a sports watch (that tracked heart rate) could show my emotional reactions to my wife's heart attack or passing? Widows Fire -- craving physical contact is a reaction to grief? And going out with the guys for guns, steak and beer. Grief/Day 16 - Shooting again? Grief/Day 17 - More boring adulting, dinner with the neighbors, and Easter Service. Grief/Day 18 - Easter gardening, and a little spring cleaning, and paperwork. Grief/Day 19 - Finding beauty in the routine. A beautiful sunrise over a deck covered in bird shit. Grief/Day 20 - Grief Brain, and being a better person?

Week 4

           Main article: Grief/Week 4

2023-04-12 to 04-18 - New Normal Grief/Day 21 - Domesticating and surviving. Grief/Day 22 - Not much today, but a bunch of Memes and thougths by others on grief. Grief/Day 23 - The upside of losing your spouse is you can finally watch whatever you want on TV. The downside is you don't want to watch anything. Grief/Day 24 - Woke up to a huge lightening storm, dreaming of Melissa. We were just doing shopping chores; that's new, I hadn't had a lot of those dreams. The lightening and thunder was definitely making a racket. Then I had a horrible thought, I'd been letting Zen (Cat) out on the back deck for 30 minutes, had I forgotten her? So cat hunting in the rain. What a metaphor. Grief/Day 25 - Big life decision are coming. The memorial ends the grieving for what was, or living in the moment. What's left is deciding the future. Which can be statis (holding on while deciding), or doing what I've done before, and remaking into something else. I've worn many hats... and the last one is gone. So what's the next one? Grief/Day 26 - Change is constant: embrace the change, because fighting it changes nothing. Grief/Day 27 - Society and Grief (societies ignorance causes grief complications), New Normal is more productive.

Week 5

           Main article: Grief/Week 5

2023-04-19 to 04-25 - Running to the memorial Grief/Day 28 - Book worming, pain or suffering, and cortisol tricks? Grief has a physical and psychological component -- so far, I've mostly stayed in control of both. Melissa mattered. But (so far), I'm stronger than grief, or the judgement/expectations of others. Grief/Day 29 - Change is constant: embrace the change, because fighting it changes nothing. Don't run away from the past (or past mistakes). Own it. Wallow in it. Let it cover you. But then run to the future that's brighter, even covered in the muck. Grief/Day 30 - Dating a Widow. (According to YouTube, and various websites). I watched about 30 videos/articles, and couldn't find an intelligent one amongst them. They all had points -- but they applied to some widowed and some unwidowed alike. There's not enough commonality and too much diversity for any generalization to be useful. The more assured the author, the less credible. Grief/Day 31 - Still chewing on the pile of work that going from a partnership to s aole proprietor brings. Firsts don't hit me as hard as most grievers, to me they're just constructs to be miserable. And there's enough misery without constructs. So plodding forward, got a ton done in the last month, and working on self. Grief/Day 32 - This meme/truism irks me. "My future is on hold while I hold on to the future from my past." It's so true that many grievers are doing this, and it's what we want to do -- it's hard to let go of the future we had. But it's so fucking unhealthy to hang on to that sinking anchor, let it go and swim for the surface. Grief/Day 33 - I had one job... writing a summary of Melissa's life for the Memorial. That took all day, and everything I have. It's not that it's that perfect... but how do you sum someone up in 1,000 words? Especially someone that gave you 32 years of happiness? So many stories untold, so many memories I can't share. The witness to my greatest happiness is gone. Grief/Day 34 - Member of the Widows Club: worst club ever. What can you do to help? Start by understanding the wound is physical and not just in their head. What can you do to prepare? Talk about the uncomfortable, pre-accept, pre-forgive each other, share that you forgive.

Week 6

           Main article: Grief/Week 6

2023-04-27 to 05/01 - Memorial Grief/Day 35 - I did the Brave Widow podcast, cleaning up and prepping for the weekend/memorial. And am going to do a video. Grief/Day 36 - Last minute prep, people coming into town. Grief/Day 37 - Friends, family, fun. Grief/Day 38 - Technical Difficulties, the Memorial, and closure. It was full of contradictions; Gads that was easy and hard, fun and tragedy, love and loss, sorrowful and joyful. She had a wonderful life and touched so many. But life is for the living, and even with the passing of the most beautiful person I ever knew... life goes on. Grief/Day 39 - The Morning After.

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Day 37

           Main article: Grief/Day 37

Down to Earth People were coming into town -- but that made it more about entertaining and socializing. It was great seeig friends/family and having them at the house. We went to Lifetime Fitness (my Gym) and they were dicks to my brother. "Sorry, you've been a guest twice in the last 60 days, you have to pay $40 for a day pass to visit again"... oh shut up. So I stepped in and truth bombed her, "I'm sorry, he was here to visit my wife while she was dying in the hospital, and now he flew back this weekend to help run her memorial. Do you think you can let him work out a 3rd day?"... she backed off but said, "OK, well this will be have to be the last time". And I snipped, "That's fine since this was my only wife". Dumb fucking policy, and I was more snarky than mean about it -- but there was a barb in there about it being dumb fucking policy. I had to do an airport run to pickup Debi -- and the airport is crazy this weekend for some reason. And some people had cancelled flights and weren't able to make it. But Debi did, we eventually got through the mess, and everything was fine. I had ordered BBQ, we put it out, and people just grazed as they were hungry, and more people came over, and everyone snacked and chatted, and cleanup was plastic plates, and beer bottles (and some wine glasses). The kids swam in the pool, fished off the neighbors deck, or played ball in the yard, it was actually a wonderful night.

Day 38

           Main article: Grief/Day 38

Friends - Memorial / Celebration of Life. Gads that was easy and hard. But life is for the living, and even with the passing of the a beautiful person... life goes on. Easy: A lot of people showed ≈80+ with probably half from out of town. It was great seeing the people -- each bringing back great memories. Different eras, places we'd lived. People that Melissa had touched (or I had). Many of them connecting up and chatting with each other. And making wonderful new connections. "Oh, of course those two would get along." The people made it work. My brother did an excellent job of running it. And the planned and spontaneous testimonials were perfect. Many funny, lots of great stories. My friend Richard summed it up -- when every picture has her smiling from the soul, when that many people from all over tell the same fundamental stories about how kind, giving she was, and how she touched them -- then that's a life well lived. Even if too short. My pre-taping my 3 little stories / allegories worked well - I was able to be nerdy AV guy -- and still share things that I wanted about her, and just hint at a fraction of what an incredible loss the world suffered when she passed. Our friend Gina had helped with a video (picture deck movie, and just all around support). But that fucking video montage of photos with her music at the end, just had me bawling. Too many memories/emotions. The food from Lupe's Tortilla was perfect -- everyone seemed to enjoy. When it whittled down to 20 or so, we moved back to the house, and continued it until everyone went home and I crashed about 11:00. It was a wonderful send off. She was so loved and lovable. And it was a great party with great people. Hard: I had all sorts of technical difficulties. You couldn't see the screen the way it was facing, so had to re-orient the room. It took a while to get everything setup. Then I couldn't get Facebook Live to work. Having worked with Facebook, they are a lousy, arrogant and incompetent organization that doesn't know how to write software, support it, or manage user privacy -- and all their incompetence resulted in lousy error unhelpful error message that nobody could figure out -- and just increased the stress. But whatever, we'd just record and worry about it later. Of course you want it to be perfect -- and nothing ever is. Things I had cut got re-added, the venue worked well, but wasn't perfect. Things I'd said, didn't all come our perfectly. I felt like I didn't have enough pictures of our neighbors, or other individuals. Oh, I forgot to Gina enough credit for her help. And so on. You can't do justice to 55 years in 55 minutes... so it can never be perfect. But it was good enough, and she would have loved it. Most of all, the guest of honor was missing. She would have loved it, and loved being there. I can manage grief most of the time... but the brutality and finality of the loss when you're having a party for her and withhout her? And everyone and everything reminds you of that loss. The people made it great, and all were helpful. Then I had to go to bed alone, again, and get lousy sleep (another night of crying in self pity like I hadn't had that bad since night 2 after she passed), knowing that tomorrow I wake up and keep moving on with life without her. Time to clean up, keep shifting my life from her/us to just me, and never forgetting, but having to stop living in the 32 wonderful years of my past. And figure out what the present and future is going to be.

Day 39

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After MASH - Memorial / Celebration of Life. Celebration of Life Recording The day after the memorial was like any other. I think I had hopes that there would be this great weight lifted, and closure. But there isn't. Someone I loved dearly is still dead... my partner is still gone... the hole is still the same size and depth it was yesterday. But I got to see friends and family (a few left today, and few more in the coming days), I uploaded the memorial, get to be thankful she was so celebrated and loved and everyone did such a great job. And I swim, work, clean, prepare to travel -- and just go on without her.

Conclusion

Journaling her and my journey was a way to use the world as my therapist. (Even if most of the world didn't read it). Writing things down, let's me get it out, organize it, understand it (and look at it from all sides). Not hide from the grief or pain, but really, really take it in, and go through it. I never worry that I'll forget it, because I can click in to each week or day, and re-live it on command. Once I've gotten it out, I can let it go. It's not just my burden to carry any more, others can share the load. I figure once the memorial is over, I'll be past this phase. (If not before... but I'll go to that stopping point to give others the sense of closure they need).

I also find that grief was a little similar to when I got an anxiety disorder that screwed up my brain chemistry, and made me depresed and suicidal. I had to crawl out of that pit of despair, and re-program myself just to leave the house... so having this loneliness/loss/despair just made me think of the lyrics to the Sound of Silence... "Hello darkness my old friend"... but I'd gotten through it before, so I started with the advantage of it being almost like a second time (at least biochemically, even if the reason for the despair was completely different). So the psychological pain that was being inflicted on me? I've had worse. And I carried that disorder for 30+ years.

In the end, my wife's passing has given me more reasons to live; to live for her memory, and to try to reflect some of her best characteristics on the world. I don't believe the bullshit that you need this to grow or it's some karmic balance thing happening. But if life gives you shit, you might as well stick some seeds in it, and see what grows.

Resources

Videos TED Talk Nora McInerny - We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it.(Liked it) TED Talk Jason B. Rosenthal - The journey through loss and grief. (Meh. Didn't do it for me.) Books The Widower's Notebook by Jonathan Stanlofer The Widower's Notebook) felt like an art professor wrote a book about his wife's death, and how he responded. Which he was and did. But I don't have a kid to do roadtrips with, Melissa's death wasn't a mystery that required lawyers, I didn't become a basket case (yet), and didn't try to assuage my feelings of loneliness with a student 1/2 my age and her bisexual boyfriend, and I don't do New York pretentious dinner parties trying to out intellectual everyone else. So it was a bit long-winded and only superficially relevant to me. Someone died. That sucks. Feel bad for him. It might help some relate more than others, I was the others. It's OK that You're Not OK by Megan Devine This is more an academic's approach to how to better handle grief, and teaching people how to cope with grieving people as a back-handed way of teaching grieving people why people that don't know how to handle them sets them off? Why statements like, "it'll get better", or "at least you had X years", "they're in a better place" or "I suffered the loss of parent/child/pet" irritates some grievers. It converts the story from their suffering to the other, minimizes their pain, or they hear, "so get over it" at the end. So far, I get it, but not stickig with me, as I don't hear in the imagined sentence -- and I don't imagine in that they're trying to minimize my pain, convert it to being about them, or all the things that some people that want to be angry will do. But I have seen it in other grievers, so it's still good to review triggers and why. Grief Observed by C.S. Lewis This has various intros that give it context -- but it's sort of poets view of grief, why he misses his wife, and some pithy observations on the universe and God. Basically, Lewis defends against his own inner voices crisis of faith, by metaphysical/theological exploration of grief and why it is needed. Even if I don't agree with parts, or have the same issues as he did with grief, it resonated well and I like it. Observations like time is another word for death, since you can never have it back -- and thus grief is pining for the past. Or his worry about how his memory drops parts, or tweaks parts, and thus he's terrorized that his wife is gone, and all is has left is memories that are no longer her. That stuff is brilliant, even if irrelevant. It's like reading someone else's love letters, you bond even when they aren't applicable and it doesn't change anything in your own situation. The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion An experiental books, on what she went through at the loss of a husband and daughter at the same time (loosely). But I never went through denial or self delusion ("If I just do X, they'll be back"), time dialation, or "the fog" of war/grief. So interesting read on how other people cope/react with problems that I never had, but limited direct applicability. Forums/Sites Young Widows/Widowers This is a page for people lost people they loved. It's tricky because they are dealing with different issues, like child-rearing and lack of resources. A lot of this didn't apply to me (we were childless, had means, and so on), but seeing/helping others that were going through it with more burdens and self-doubt (youthful insecurity, more immature relationships, etc.) all helped me come to terms with my own. It could have been a lot worse, and we got so much (which makes it both better and worse) compared to some others. Rooted By Grief Started by one of the members of Young Widowers, it's a similar but slightly broader Forum. Widowed Village By Soaring Spirits International, is a bunch of resources for Widows/Widowers. I used a few of those resources, just to see. Grief.com This has a lot of resources, but starting with what I consider a fallacy (the 5 stages of grief) doesn't help it's credibility for me, even when they use that to explain it's not linear or even that important. It's worse than that, it promotes ignorance by people think believe it exists. DC Widow Story of/by a 39 year old Widowed mother of 3, living in DC. Brave Widow VLOG on Widows. Smart Lady, I like her, and a lot of what she says. Not just because she had me on. TV/Movies A Man Called Otto Movie where Tom Hanks plays a suicidal widower, trying to re-learn the value of life after the loss of his soulmate. A bit triggering. Shrinking AppleTV+ Show about a Widower. After Life Netflix - Dark show about a Widower. Very British dark/awkward humor. Dead To Me Netflix - Christina Applegate drama about screwed up people intertwining. (Lead is Widow) Sorry for your loss Show about how little a widow knew about her husband. Unstable Netflix - Rob Lowe as an unstable eccentric scientist that is more so, and trying to bond with his son, after the loss of his wife. P.S. I love you RomCom movie about a widow and her husbands messages from beyond the grave. The Patient Steve Carrel is mourning the loss of his wife. Land Dark movie about a broken lady isolating herself from people after the loss of her family.

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2023 Heart Attack/All • [1 items]

Grief
02/18 my wife had a Heart Attack, and passed away on 03/22/23; the hardest day of my life. Except for the ones after it. Which isn't completely true. I just entered a new phase of life; grief. I had to let my wife, the love of my life go. She died, by my choice (to support her wishes). But what now? Since the future is dark, I just focus on the present.

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Story of us This is the "Story of us"... the pictures/tales of some highlighted trips, events or milestones in our life.

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